Shortly after Eric and I were married, he told me something that threw me for a loop. It was about a few months into our marriage and he very matter-of-factly mentioned that he knows at some point in his life he will be called into some sort of pastoral work. Well, me- being a woman- took that very casual statement from him and started to buy a one-way ticket to Anxiety-ville. Then, I just looked right at him and boldly declared what I believed to be the obvious, “I am not pastor wife material.” To me, that had settled it. As if my little 6 word sentence could do anything to stop God’s will on Eric’s life. It was an “end-of-discussion” sentence that I had thrown down. However, my husband being the man that he is, just figuratively looked at the ridiculous gauntlet that I had thrown down like a ball being spiked in the end zone and said, “And what does pastor wife material look like?” I must have had the deer in the headlights look on my face as I looked at him. For one of the few times in my life, I was silent. I had no words to say to him. I couldn’t even think of a rebuttal. To me, my one sentence defense was all that I needed to explain everything that I was feeling. Of course, my wonderful husband took my quietness as an opportunity to delve into his opinion about the stereotypical pastor and pastor’s wife that America has come to know and even expect.

After that discussion, I decided to surrender to God for whatever His will was on our lives. However, in my heart, I just knew that I could never be a pastor’s wife. I didn’t have the kind of past that a pastor’s wife should have. People wouldn’t want to see me standing next to Eric, not if they knew the past choices I’ve made and all the mistakes in my life. To put it simply, I just wasn’t good enough to be a pastor’s wife.

As some of you know, I was raised in a very traditional Methodist church. Now, I am not here to bash any religious group, however, I was raised believing that you had to earn your way to heaven. The concept of being “saved” was a very tall order to attain and maintain. At the age of 14 I left the Methodist church. Shortly after I left, my parents also left the church. Unfortunately when we stopped going to church we pretty much stopped living for God. I was at a vulnerable age and I made some pretty stupid choices that as a teenager I thought were “cool” and “freedom”. I laugh internally as I write this at my own foolishness. It was not until I became a mom that I started realizing that I needed to get “right” with God. Unfortunately, since religion –not relationship- was what I was familiar with, I dove into a religion. When that religion didn’t work out, I wandered for a few years. Then I dove into another religion. That religion wasn’t working either. It wasn’t until I said a prayer (while I was pretty deep into religion) that things started to change for me. I prayed a prayer of surrender to God. At the time I didn’t know it. I just knew that I wanted things to be different with God. I didn’t want all these “rules” and “ways” (ones that were not in the Bible) in order to serve God. I honestly wanted things to be simple like they were when I was a child.

Growing up, I was the child that read my Bible very frequently. I loved reading the Bible! It was an escape from a strange world that I honestly never felt like I fit into. It was medicine for a sore, peace amidst chaos, and truth in a world full of lies. Every Christmas for as long as I can remember I would go in my bedroom, shut my bedroom door, and sit on my bed. I would then sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. Everything about my time with Jesus was so special to me back then. I read the Bible because I wanted to learn what was in there. I didn’t read it to have a check on some Bible reading chart. I enjoyed spending time with Him, not dreading what to wear to church or if I was going to say or do something that someone would find offensive and I would be judged. So, at the age of 36, I prayed a prayer of surrender to God to just give Him everything and for Him to do whatever it was that He wanted to do in my life. As I think back on that prayer, I realize now that I was putting everything on the table for God to do with as He saw fit. I had no idea what I was praying, because life started changing in ways I would not have dreamed or imagined!

So, after the years have passed, why am I bringing this up now? Well, as I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, my amazing husband casually told me of plans that he felt God had for him someday. About 3 months ago, I felt that knowing nudge of the Holy Spirit that Eric was going to be called to seminary. I honestly just stepped back and said, “God, do whatever you want to do, the way you want to do it, and when you want to do it.” Over the next month and a half Eric came to the same conclusion. Shortly after Eric knew that he was being called soon to go to seminary, he sat me down and said, “We need to put everything on the table.”

So, what was my response? “Um, everything? You mean like everything?” (Yes, I am actually good with words, but not all the time.) He just responded with listing things that we needed to put on the table. After he listed things for about a minute, I snapped back, “Ok, ok, I get it! Everything!” When Eric and I put everything on the table it was scary to me to be honest. But I knew that this was the right thing to do. Some of the “items” we put on the table has been “taken away” from us, and some have been given back to us. For instance, we homeschool our children and I realized that I had not specifically put homeschooling on the table. After putting it on the table, a couple days later God gave it back to us- meaning we were to continue homeschooling. However, one thing that He did not give back to us was our property. Eric and I are embarking on a new chapter that we feel excited about and a little nervous (me more than him). We are selling our property and moving to the Grand Rapids area where Eric is attending seminary at Cornerstone University. Right now our house is a mixture of emotions and physical chaos. (I’m actually laughing out loud at this description because it could not be more spot on!) BIG changes are coming, but there is peace.

As I was writing this, the title of it just came to me. Now I sit here and think of what God’s table would look like and all that it stands for. To me, I picture a very high, large wooden table, like one made for a giant. I see myself almost having to stretch on my tippy toes to reach and put items on His table. Then after everything is put there, I wait. Sometimes I get an answer right away, but most times not so much. To me the table would symbolize sacrifice and obedience. Sacrifice because you are willing to put it on the table knowing that you may be giving it up. Obedience because as you wait to “see” what God will put on the table for you, you are learning that He knows what He’s doing and that you really do want His will.

I have a question for you. What are you putting on God’s table, and subsequently, what are you holding back from the table? (Ok, so it was technically two questions…)

And now, I have a challenge for you. I challenge you to put everything on the table. (You had to know that was coming!) So, what does everything look like you may ask? Well, everything is slightly different to each person, but everything would include your house, or where you may rent, your job, or even your career, your location, your hobbies, your time, your loved ones, your ideas, your dreams, and even your life.

I won’t lie to you, it can be scary; at least to me it was. But, I also won’t lie about this- there is freedom in Christ. (2 Corinthians 3:17)

I hope you take me up on the challenge. Please let me know how things work out for you. You can leave a reply at the end of this blog, or you can email me directly at fruitofthespiritseries@yahoo.com . Many blessings to you as you move forward to God’s table. I will be praying for each and every one of you!

In my last blog, I ended with a Scripture that I have been “standing” on as I go through this table “project”, and I will end this blog with it again.

Ephesians 3:20 “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” (NLT)