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The Rat Race

Oct16

According to my 2006 Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary and Thesaurus, “rat race” is defined as “strenuous, tiresome, and competitive activity or rush”. Well, now, does that sound like Black Friday shopping or what? I chuckle as I write that, but it’s true. Recently I found myself going through a rat race, though I had no idea I even entered this race. How is that possible? It all started in the middle of August this year when my book, Love Waits: Book One was republished. I started to promote it on social media and follow people in hopes of “getting the word out” about the book – perhaps someone would buy it, right? Since I self-published through Covenant Books, I didn’t have a marketing team assigned to promote the book, I also didn’t have ad campaigns – just me and social media. I had taken about 3+ years off of social media until 2024 – so basically, I had zero social media presence as well. In hindsight, I see now that I could have/should have been promoting the book from the moment I signed the contract – that idea just never even occurred to me, to be honest. Since it has been 10 years since I first published Love Waits, it was basically like starting all over again at ground zero with a brand-new book.

If you read my blog, Let Your Light Shine, then you know that the first time I was published, I did every single thing that the publishing company told me to do to become a “successful author”. Needless to say, no, I don’t believe that I was a successful author – at least not by the standards that most people would consider “success”. (i.e. books on bestselling lists, awards, thousands of 5-star reviews, and let’s not forget the handsome royalty checks, right?)

When I started promoting my book in August, at first things were good and I was getting a lot of traction with it, especially on Instagram. However, then things started to slow down and I couldn’t figure out why; I wasn’t doing anything differently, so what happened? Before I knew it, I was big time overthinking this “book promotion situation”, which led to stress and an old familiar, yet uncomfortable feeling inside of me that I hadn’t experienced in over 8 years. I paused everything and went to God in prayer. In Scripture, God is known in many different ways, such as gardener (Genesis 2:8), healer (Exodus 15:26), judge, lawgiver, king (all at Isaiah 33:22) – so, why not as marketing manager? Do I have a Scripture reference for that? No. Do I need one? No, at least I don’t think so. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, I think if He wants to, He can promote anything or anyone as He sees fit. So, I gave it all over to God and started posting as He directed.

By the world’s standards, I wasn’t succeeding, because I didn’t post enough posts, or the posts weren’t reaching enough people, or some other nonsense that was not part of the equation with God. Once I started to follow what I believe was God’s leading for posting on social media, I just felt His peace. Later though, when I let the “worries of the world” (Mark 4:18-19) distract me, God had to remind me that He wasn’t asking for me to meet a quota for likes, shares, or comments with every post. God reminded me that He didn’t ask me to sell “X” number of books – I didn’t have a quota to fill there either. He reminded me that I am called to be obedient to Him. I post what I feel He is directing me to post and I even try to write what I feel He is directing me to write (just like now and in my books). Obedience to the Heavenly Father, that IS success! I didn’t need to add to it, nor was I supposed to cherry pick and do only what I wanted to do, what I felt comfortable with doing, or what was easy or convenient to do. I was just called to do His will and I want to answer that call every, single time.

As I have been writing this blog, it occurred to me that I was fixated on the wrong race. The rat race is the wrong race, the race that God has set before me, that is the race I should be focused on. Today I leave you with Galatians 5:16-17, which says, “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.” (Bold print and italics are mine for emphasis.)

The Race That Is Set Before Us

Sep3

The past three days had been quite challenging for me. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong, but I knew something was bothering me and I just couldn’t seem to get out of this “funk” I was in. It got worse and worse over the course of those three days – so bad that even I didn’t want to be around myself. I used to have this struggle off and on since coming to Christ, but I actually hadn’t experienced this in quite a long time. I thought I had remembered what the struggle was like, but until the past three days, I had somehow forgotten or just thought I knew. You know the saying, “the good, the bad, and the ugly”? Yea, the past three days got to a capital U-G-L-Y! I prayed, I read the Bible, I listened to ministering music, I talked things over with my husband (my best friend) – nothing was “working”. During these three days one thing that God had said to me was, “Manage your expectations.” When that was said, I took it in stride and was like “ok, done”. Oh dear, did I fool myself! At the end of the three days (yesterday evening) I finally had a breakthrough and realized that I was allowing things to affect my identity. I was leaving a door open to the enemy and the snake that he is slithered on in. (By the way, I HATE snakes!) I allowed my identity in the Father to be messed with. What was I thinking? Such foolishness and I know better, yet, it happened, and I allowed it to happen.

This past Thursday (pre-U-G-L-Y) I wrote and posted a blog that got a lot of traction on this website and on Instagram. I was shocked by how much attention it got. I am not the type of author who wins awards or is a best-selling anything. Nor do I write so eloquently that my words are quoted on social media or in movies. I am me; I am really only trying to please One, and that is the Heavenly Father whom I serve. I’ve never been in the spotlight, nor have I ever sought it out (plus I have astigmatism, the lights bother my eyes). If I were on a movie set, I would be the person that wouldn’t really be noticed; the person that didn’t even get her name in the credits – or maybe they did get my name in the credits but it would be misspelled, Sherman Sponge, lol, or something like that. But you know what? I’d be fine with that, because it’s really not about me.

The past ten years since the first release of “Love Waits”, I’ve had a lot of time to think, process, understand, and grow closer to God. So, when the blog got so much attention last week, I was taken aback. I believe – even though I’d rather not admit it, especially publicly – but I believe I allowed some stuff to go to my head. I truly didn’t mean to, I really don’t want to be that way (my husband wasn’t too fond of it either). Perhaps when a person doesn’t usually get attention, that when it happens (even on a small scale like mine was), that it can easily go to a person’s head. I have repented of this, I knew it was wrong, but until the Father pointed out to me exactly what was going on, I honestly couldn’t see it. (Should have been as obvious as a train wreck, right?) Like I’ve said for many years now: even if one is called to teach, we should all be students at all times and ready to learn.

If I’m being honest, I kind of didn’t want to write this blog, I mean really, would you want to share a U-G-L-Y moment you recently went through? But I knew that this was what God wanted and I knew I was going to do what He was telling me to do.

We moved to where we currently live just over 2 ½ years ago and the other day I finally got some wall décor put up. I unpacked the picture that I took for this blog because it really can sum up what we all need to do in our own walk with God. I hope that it can be an encouragement for you. Here is a “wider” scope of the Bible reference in the picture:

Hebrews 12:1-3 “Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” NASB

Let Your Light Shine

Aug29

If anyone really paid attention to the timeline of my blogs, they would see a large gap in time. First of all, I only have six blogs up and I started this website at the very end of 2015. If you look closer, you will see that I put out four blogs in 2016, one in 2017, and one in 2024. Somehow, I still have a small group of subscribers to this site– I’m thinking that they completely forgot they subscribed to my once-in-a-blue-moon blog! (laughing, but serious)

This morning, I was looking over past notes and I came across one that I just felt like now was the time to write about it.

A little backstory first…

I always loved writing, and one of the things I wanted to do when I grew up was to be a writer. Many years down the road, in August of 2011, I pulled out my laptop and started writing. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write, I just felt inspiration striking and went with it. That writing session developed over time into “Love Waits: Book One” in the Fruit of the Spirit Series. It took me three years to write “Love Waits”, not because I am that slow, but because I had so many things within me to overcome – insecurity, overwhelmingness, unworthiness – just to name a few. When I realized that God was calling me to write a book, I froze. Seriously – deer in the headlights and hit with a car froze. I had many breaks from writing over the course of those three years because of all the emotions going on in me. Then when I finally accepted that I was writing a book, God gave me a dream. When I woke up from that dream, I knew the dream was going to be another book and also realized it was a series. (Again, deer in the headlights freeze moment.) I just couldn’t understand why God would want me of all people on this earth – me – to write this book series. I grappled with this for quite a long time. I was sure I would “miss” my opportunity and God would definitely give this calling to someone else.

Yet, here I am, 14 years later writing this blog now.

In 2015 “Love Waits” was published. It was not a good experience for me overall. After everything that I had been through and had overcome to finally be at a point where I was a published author and accepted that I was a published author, I didn’t have much to show for it in the end. I was pretty much left high and dry by the publishing company. I did every single thing that they told me to do to “be successful”. In the end, I sold more books than they did and their biggest customer was me, which is probably why I still have about 30 copies of the original “Love Waits” in my office on a book shelf.

In January of 2017, I terminated my contract with them. I had a huge, gaping wound inside of me. My love for writing was barely on life support. I felt like I let everyone who loved me down – my husband, our children, friends – but most importantly I felt that I let God down. I was not successful, I was a failure and I was sure that was how God saw it, because that was the truth after all, right?

So, this morning this is what I came across in my notes from December 23, 2021:

“Today I realized that there was still a wound in me from _____ _____. I also realized that I needed to forgive them again. From a worldly perspective it looks like _____ and _____ _____ got away with everything that they did to so, so, so many people, with nothing more than a slap on their hands.

“As the day rolled into evening, I found myself truly reflecting and seeking the Lord about all of this. A thought came to me – perhaps it was the Lord. The thought was, “If they’re not in prison, then why should you be?” I’ve thought about that quite a bit. I have allowed the experience with _____ _____ to practically stop me from writing. Why?

“Tonight, as I thought more on this, it’s as if I heard God say, “Write like the wind.” I thought about what that means. I think most people would take that statement to mean to write feverishly, with reckless abandon – no limits. But the wind is not that – the wind cannot do whatever it wants, when it wants. It doesn’t have a brain or freewill. The wind can only do what the Creator tells it to do.

“If I apply that understanding to the statement I heard – then I need to write as the Lord says. Perhaps it will look fast, or furious, but perhaps it will look calm and still. Either way, I am to be obedient to God with writing.

“He makes the wind His messengers…” Psalm 104:4 NASB”

For the record, no, I don’t have a grudge against my previous publishing company. I don’t find them to be very honorable, but that’s going to ultimately be between each of them and God. I am just one of many people that they treated that way.

So, why am I writing this? Perhaps for a couple reasons. One, I want to encourage anyone who has felt like their passion to do something has waned or like me, felt like it’s been on life support. Please don’t follow my example and take 14 years to get to the point where you are fully ready to live out your calling. Please, don’t put yourself in prison and don’t let others put you in prison.

Two – I’m writing this for myself. Creative people can be quite sensitive to be honest. However, they can also be very resilient. I needed to be real and put this out there for anyone who’s been put to shame or drug over the coals with their giftings. I am one of those “anyone”.

Let me leave you with this verse that I have reflected on a lot over the past 14 years with my calling. Matthew 15:14-16, these are the words of Jesus: “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.”

On the left, the original “Love Waits” from 2015. On the right, “Love Waits: Book One” from Covenant Books. https://covenantbooks.com/books/?book=love-waits

Early Years

Sep15



As I’ve stated before, I was raised in the church. What does
that mean? For me, it meant that I attended Sunday school and the church
service every Sunday morning. It meant that we said prayer together as a family
before eating supper. It meant that my mom went to a women’s Bible study, my
dad went to a men’s Bible study, and when I got older, I started attending
youth group once a week. There were times that my parents would do daily
devotionals, but this was not a constant in our lives. In these few sentences,
I have basically summed up what I mean by being “raised in the church”. Now I
will go a step further, which some may not want to hear or to acknowledge.
Being a female and being raised in the church meant that I learned early on
that there were certain expectations put upon me, as well as certain
limitations put upon me because I was a female.


I was raised in a very traditional Methodist church. All of
the church leaders were men – or at least all of the ones that I recall as
church leaders. (Women usually taught the children, but not always.) Women were
expected to take care of the children, they were expected to do the cleaning, to
be presentable (preferably in a dress if it was Sunday), to remain quiet,
mild-mannered at all times – essentially, I had to “know my place” as a female.
A lot of what I learned was really “head knowledge”, not actually having a
relationship with Jesus. I didn’t really “look” at myself as a child of God’s,
because that is not how it was presented to me. It was mostly about my gender
and the expectations that “the church” had on me, which thereby meant God had
those same expectations of me as well.

I saw a lot of hypocrisy in the church at a young age. I
didn’t understand a lot of it, and as a child, it came across as, “Do as I say,
not as I do”. When I started to attend youth group, that’s when my eyes were
opened even more. One evening at youth group, I had gone into the women’s
bathroom and while I was in there, some of the other girls came in and were having
a conversation. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. For a moment, it seemed
like I was in the girl’s bathroom at the public school I attended! They were swearing,
talking about having sex, getting drunk. I was absolutely shocked! I guess I
was very naïve to think that if you were at church then that meant that you
were saved and you didn’t do those type of things or talked the way they were
talking. I went to a youth group leader and explained to her what just happened,
expressing my concern about what was being talked about. She reprimanded me for
judging them! I was quite confused by her reaction. I had no bad intentions on
my part to get any of them in trouble, I thought they needed prayer and help –
guidance. Another time at youth group, one of the leaders gave us an assignment
for the following week. He said if your house was on fire and you could only grab
one thing from your house before evacuating, what would it be and to bring it
to youth group next week. When the following week happened, we all sat in
chairs in a circle. One by one our leader asked each one of us to show what we
would grab and explain why we would grab that item over anything else. I don’t
recall much of what the other teens had brought, I do remember one brought a tv
remote, saying that he would grab the tv if there was a fire, but for this
assignment, he just brought the tv remote. When it was my turn to speak, I
showed my Bible and said that I would grab it because it has helped me through
a lot of rough times in my life. I was sincere in what I said, I was not trying
to “show anyone up” or have the “right answer”, yet I was met with snickering,
eye rolling, whispers from people that weren’t really that quiet (of course, I
don’t think that they were meant to be quiet). The leader “praised” me – ish,
which didn’t help the situation at all. I meant exactly what I had said about
the Bible, I knew that all of the other things could get replaced if there was
a fire. Of course, I wasn’t thinking about the fact that I could get a new
Bible if that one was destroyed. I was sad that I was the only one who brought
a Bible, but I never looked at myself as better than, I pretty much always
looked at myself as less than.


Another time, I was struggling with the question, “Was God
real or not?” One day I went to the reverend’s office to ask him. I figured he
would have the right answer, right? I sat down in a chair in front of his desk,
he was standing between me and his desk. I asked him, “How do I know that God
is real?” He leaned back on his desk, so that he was partially sitting on the
edge, he reached over on his desk and grabbed his Bible with one hand. With his
other hand, he pointed at the Bible and tapped the cover of it and said, “Because
of this…because of this, we know He’s real.” I waited after he said this,
waiting for more, waiting for some sort of epiphany, I don’t know, I was
waiting for just more of an answer to my question, but there wasn’t any more.
He had a smile on his face and that was it – conversation over. I didn’t have
any more questions and he certainly wasn’t going to elaborate on the question
that weighed so heavy in my spirit, so I thanked him (because that was the
polite thing to do) and got up and left his office. My question continued to
linger within me and when I would say my nightly prayers, they would go
something like this, “God, I’m sorry but right now I can’t pray to you, because
I don’t know if you’re real or not. If you are, then I’ll be back praying more
often. Amen”. I’d like to say that after praying that prayer once that the
light bulb went off for me, but nope. Many nights later of saying this prayer,
I realized that if God wasn’t real, then why did I keep feeling this need, this
longing inside of me to keep praying to Him? It was at this revelation that I
came to the conclusion that God is definitely real and I’ve never questioned
that again. Perhaps that isn’t very theological, but I was about 12 years old
at the time and that satisfied my question, much more than the reverends Bible
tapping statement did.


Being in the environment of the church weighed on me a lot. At
about 14 years old I left the Methodist church. Unfortunately, I slowly left
God too. I didn’t stop believing in Him, but I was most definitely not serving Him.
At 21 years of age, I started getting back into religion. I word it that way,
because “religion” was all I knew – “relationship” with the one true God, that
was not something I learned about yet. From age 21-36 I was in religion, out in
the world, then back in religion – I was a hot mess spiritually, or at least I
felt that way. Then one day in the autumn of 2008, I said a prayer to God that
I would later realize was a prayer of submission onto Him. I had been doing the
“religious roller coaster” and was going nowhere fast. I had been reminded of my
early years with God before I got turned off by people in the church. I felt
like God brought to mind all the times I spent with Him reading the Bible,
reminding me of every Christmas as a child I would take a moment and go into my
bedroom, sit on my bed, and sing “Happy Birthday” to Jesus. (A memory that
still brings tears to my eyes.) In that autumn of ’08, I opened my mouth and
just started telling God that I wanted to have what I had with Him back then. I
wanted Him to be real to me like He was back then. I didn’t realize it at the
time but I turned to the Heavenly Father, with childlike faith, and I have
never been the same! However, that is not to imply that I am still the same
right now as I was in ’08, no, I keep learning and growing. I feel like I am
not the same person I was just a few weeks ago, and it’s not me, seriously! It
is God, it is Him in me, it is the love of Jesus Christ, it is the workings of the
Holy Spirit in me that keeps molding and shaping me into the new creation. (2
Corinthians 5:17)

This is just a part of my story, but it’s a very important
part. None of what I’m writing is to bash a religious denomination or any one
person or group of people. I honestly don’t even recall the names of most of
the church leaders who were “over me” during my young years in the church. This
is just my story about what happened in my life and how it has impacted me. While
my testimony of growing up in the church doesn’t include much of what some
people have gone through as is evidenced by many “church leaders” moral
failures over many decades, I do want to try to encourage anyone who can relate
to my story or who can relate to others story’s that have been circulating
lately on the internet and in the news, your story isn’t over.
Whatever you have been through, it is just a part of your story, but it’s not
the whole story. Don’t let moral failures of any church leader or leaders speak
louder to you than the words of the Great Shepherd who willingly laid down His
life for you. Yes, for you.


Psalms 139:13-14 “For You formed my inward parts; you wove
me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and
wonderfully made…” (NASB)


Galatians 5:1 “It was for freedom that Christ set us free:
therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.”
(NASB)


John 8:36 “So if the Son makes you free, you will be free
indeed.” (NASB)



Is God a Sports Fan?

Feb21

Sports EquipmentThis may seem like a strange question to ask. However, with what I have experienced in my walk with God, I think it’s actually a good question.

God seems to have a habit of showing up at the bottom of the ninth (inning, to those of you not familiar with baseball terminology). He seems to have a habit of allowing his children to be in a holding pattern (think football). Right when you think your team is going to win by a landslide, the other team not only scores, but passes you in points!

Let me take a moment to try to explain God. I say try, because what human can really and truly understand God? His power, His might, His strength, His intelligence, His ability, His authority- all of it is limitless. We could put our human with the highest IQ up “against” God and our contender will look like he/she has the lowest IQ. We could take our strongest human and put him in an athletic competition with God and he/she would fall like Goliath. I just don’t think that any human will ever truly, 100% know God. He’s just too much- in a very good way, of course. Honestly- I don’t know about you, but I don’t think my brain could even hold all the information “files” about who God is. My computer (brain) would crash.

God is a loving Father. He is the Creator, the Alpha, the Omega, the great I Am. He is Yahweh, El Shaddai, Jehovah. He is also called by more common words (yet very strong words, because of who He is) like Faithful and Jealous.

Anyone who knows me and my family knows that we have been in a holding pattern with God for a few years now. So, what exactly does a holding pattern look like? Great question! I would simply define it as being in a state of “limbo” while waiting patiently (or at least trying to wait patiently) for God to move. Maybe someone is waiting for an answer about a career, or school, or a relationship. Or maybe someone is hoping for a child and month after month their answer appears to be “no”. But what I think most of all defines a holding pattern with God is one word- wait. Sometimes, waiting is good.  Other times, waiting kind of stinks- does the DMV ring any bells?

So, if God has you in a holding pattern where you are to wait, what do you do while you wait? Complain? Cry? Pray? Pretend you aren’t waiting? Well, let me just say, been there, done that, and lying on the floor in the fetal position crying out loud, “Why God?” is about as effective as it is a pretty sight! The Bible says in Psalms 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” As a matter-of-fact, if you did a search of the bible with the word ”wait”, you will have many Scriptures come up about waiting for the Lord, especially many examples about others who had to wait for the Lord.

So, why wait? Why not forge ahead? In our instantaneous society where everyone has their own platform on social media and we can instantly get “likes”, “shares”, and “followers”- why wait? The truth is, we all have free will. We can choose to believe or not to believe in God. We can choose as His children to forge ahead or wait. We can choose to wait patiently or choose to wait in the aforementioned fetal position. (I highly don’t recommend this- yet I’d understand if it happened.) There are blessings when we wait, blessings that don’t come if we forge ahead on our own time schedule. And just to be clear, I’m not talking about the blessings that some people have implied is all about money and/or prosperity. God does bless and prosper people, but blessings and prosperity are not only defined by bank accounts. Please don’t make the mistake of cheapening God to that. God’s timing is perfect. His ways are true and just.

Is it easy waiting? Honestly, sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn’t. Especially when your circumstances don’t “look” like God is at work; they actually might “speak” of exactly the opposite. As if God has abandoned you! Unfortunately, you may even have well-meaning Christians trying to tell you how something must be sinful in your life for God to not work. You may even have Christian leaders not stand with you as you go through this season of waiting for the Lord. You can feel alone, abandoned, rejected, and neglected.

One thing that I have learned while waiting is this- are you looking to man to “fix” this, or are you looking to the One who created man to “fix” it? I think it’s very easy to think too highly of other humans- and yes, I’m well aware of the fact that I am a human too. But we can easily put humans on a pedestal that they shouldn’t be on. We can let them influence us when they shouldn’t be. We can also let their opinion of us carry more weight than what the Almighty God thinks of us. Seriously, God sent his only begotten son Jesus to earth, to die for our sins, all because He loved us that much! Is there any human anywhere on earth that would even think of doing that kind of sacrifice? Not to mention, Jesus willingly chose to be the sacrifice! Absolutely amazing! Perhaps this is where the song title of “Amazing Grace” came from.

So what’s the answer to my previous question of “Why wait?” It’s simple, my God is worth all the time it takes for Him to move when and how He chooses to. As much as I am so beyond ready to be out of this holding pattern, I want God’s appointed and anointed time, and not a moment sooner.

One more thought as to why God just might be a sports fan, God does show up at the bottom of the ninth, He hits a homerun, and He always wins the game!

God is not just a starter, He’s  also a finisher. 🙂

God’s Table

Sep10

Shortly after Eric and I were married, he told me something that threw me for a loop. It was about a few months into our marriage and he very matter-of-factly mentioned that he knows at some point in his life he will be called into some sort of pastoral work. Well, me- being a woman- took that very casual statement from him and started to buy a one-way ticket to Anxiety-ville. Then, I just looked right at him and boldly declared what I believed to be the obvious, “I am not pastor wife material.” To me, that had settled it. As if my little 6 word sentence could do anything to stop God’s will on Eric’s life. It was an “end-of-discussion” sentence that I had thrown down. However, my husband being the man that he is, just figuratively looked at the ridiculous gauntlet that I had thrown down like a ball being spiked in the end zone and said, “And what does pastor wife material look like?” I must have had the deer in the headlights look on my face as I looked at him. For one of the few times in my life, I was silent. I had no words to say to him. I couldn’t even think of a rebuttal. To me, my one sentence defense was all that I needed to explain everything that I was feeling. Of course, my wonderful husband took my quietness as an opportunity to delve into his opinion about the stereotypical pastor and pastor’s wife that America has come to know and even expect.

After that discussion, I decided to surrender to God for whatever His will was on our lives. However, in my heart, I just knew that I could never be a pastor’s wife. I didn’t have the kind of past that a pastor’s wife should have. People wouldn’t want to see me standing next to Eric, not if they knew the past choices I’ve made and all the mistakes in my life. To put it simply, I just wasn’t good enough to be a pastor’s wife.

As some of you know, I was raised in a very traditional Methodist church. Now, I am not here to bash any religious group, however, I was raised believing that you had to earn your way to heaven. The concept of being “saved” was a very tall order to attain and maintain. At the age of 14 I left the Methodist church. Shortly after I left, my parents also left the church. Unfortunately when we stopped going to church we pretty much stopped living for God. I was at a vulnerable age and I made some pretty stupid choices that as a teenager I thought were “cool” and “freedom”. I laugh internally as I write this at my own foolishness. It was not until I became a mom that I started realizing that I needed to get “right” with God. Unfortunately, since religion –not relationship- was what I was familiar with, I dove into a religion. When that religion didn’t work out, I wandered for a few years. Then I dove into another religion. That religion wasn’t working either. It wasn’t until I said a prayer (while I was pretty deep into religion) that things started to change for me. I prayed a prayer of surrender to God. At the time I didn’t know it. I just knew that I wanted things to be different with God. I didn’t want all these “rules” and “ways” (ones that were not in the Bible) in order to serve God. I honestly wanted things to be simple like they were when I was a child.

Growing up, I was the child that read my Bible very frequently. I loved reading the Bible! It was an escape from a strange world that I honestly never felt like I fit into. It was medicine for a sore, peace amidst chaos, and truth in a world full of lies. Every Christmas for as long as I can remember I would go in my bedroom, shut my bedroom door, and sit on my bed. I would then sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. Everything about my time with Jesus was so special to me back then. I read the Bible because I wanted to learn what was in there. I didn’t read it to have a check on some Bible reading chart. I enjoyed spending time with Him, not dreading what to wear to church or if I was going to say or do something that someone would find offensive and I would be judged. So, at the age of 36, I prayed a prayer of surrender to God to just give Him everything and for Him to do whatever it was that He wanted to do in my life. As I think back on that prayer, I realize now that I was putting everything on the table for God to do with as He saw fit. I had no idea what I was praying, because life started changing in ways I would not have dreamed or imagined!

So, after the years have passed, why am I bringing this up now? Well, as I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, my amazing husband casually told me of plans that he felt God had for him someday. About 3 months ago, I felt that knowing nudge of the Holy Spirit that Eric was going to be called to seminary. I honestly just stepped back and said, “God, do whatever you want to do, the way you want to do it, and when you want to do it.” Over the next month and a half Eric came to the same conclusion. Shortly after Eric knew that he was being called soon to go to seminary, he sat me down and said, “We need to put everything on the table.”

So, what was my response? “Um, everything? You mean like everything?” (Yes, I am actually good with words, but not all the time.) He just responded with listing things that we needed to put on the table. After he listed things for about a minute, I snapped back, “Ok, ok, I get it! Everything!” When Eric and I put everything on the table it was scary to me to be honest. But I knew that this was the right thing to do. Some of the “items” we put on the table has been “taken away” from us, and some have been given back to us. For instance, we homeschool our children and I realized that I had not specifically put homeschooling on the table. After putting it on the table, a couple days later God gave it back to us- meaning we were to continue homeschooling. However, one thing that He did not give back to us was our property. Eric and I are embarking on a new chapter that we feel excited about and a little nervous (me more than him). We are selling our property and moving to the Grand Rapids area where Eric is attending seminary at Cornerstone University. Right now our house is a mixture of emotions and physical chaos. (I’m actually laughing out loud at this description because it could not be more spot on!) BIG changes are coming, but there is peace.

As I was writing this, the title of it just came to me. Now I sit here and think of what God’s table would look like and all that it stands for. To me, I picture a very high, large wooden table, like one made for a giant. I see myself almost having to stretch on my tippy toes to reach and put items on His table. Then after everything is put there, I wait. Sometimes I get an answer right away, but most times not so much. To me the table would symbolize sacrifice and obedience. Sacrifice because you are willing to put it on the table knowing that you may be giving it up. Obedience because as you wait to “see” what God will put on the table for you, you are learning that He knows what He’s doing and that you really do want His will.

 

I have a question for you. What are you putting on God’s table, and subsequently, what are you holding back from the table? (Ok, so it was technically two questions…)

And now, I have a challenge for you. I challenge you to put everything on the table. (You had to know that was coming!) So, what does everything look like you may ask? Well, everything is slightly different to each person, but everything would include your house, or where you may rent, your job, or even your career, your location, your hobbies, your time, your loved ones, your ideas, your dreams, and even your life.

I won’t lie to you, it can be scary; at least to me it was. But, I also won’t lie about this- there is freedom in Christ. (2 Corinthians 3:17)

I hope you take me up on the challenge. Please let me know how things work out for you. You can leave a reply at the end of this blog, or you can email me directly at fruitofthespiritseries@yahoo.com . Many blessings to you as you move forward to God’s table. I will be praying for each and every one of you!

In my last blog, I ended with a Scripture that I have been “standing” on as I go through this table “project”, and I will end this blog with it again.

Ephesians 3:20 “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” (NLT)

How Great Is Our God?

Jun18

As a mom, I am going to take a moment to write to you about how great my God is. Recently I received an email about my youngest daughter’s placement on the upcoming season for gymnastics. Under “normal” circumstances this email would not have been anything to cause the reaction in me that it did. But you see my daughter is anything but “normal”.

My daughter Jordan weighed only 4lbs. 2oz. when she was born. I had to be induced because of preeclampsia. I was 36 ½ weeks along and there was no concern about Jordan being born at that time. At the moment she was born I saw my doctor’s reaction. His reaction to her size has been permanently etched into my brain. It was a face of disbelief. She was so incredibly small. I could see the “logical” side of him with his wheels turning, surely going over everything to see why on earth Jordan was so small.

It was at this moment that everything started to go in slow motion- much like what you see in a movie. I remember hearing the word “nicku”. I came to learn very quickly that it wasn’t a word, but an acronym for Neonatal Intensive Care Unit- NICU. I looked down at Jordan as she was being passed from person to person and put in this glass looking shell with all these lamps. Some man in scrubs came rushing into the room. Jordan never cried. Why didn’t she cry? All newborns cry, don’t they? I felt so helpless lying there on the hospital bed and just watching what unfolded. It felt like the ticks on the clock were going so loudly, yet so slowly. I prayed, “God, if you are going to take her, take her now before I fall even more in love with her than I am at this very moment. God, I’m just not strong enough, take her if that is your plan.”

“Waaa-waaaa!” It was the most glorious sound I had ever heard. It was small, yet it was bold. It was a newborn cry that said, “Watch out world!” I remember seeing the guy from NICU turn around towards me and put his stethoscope around his neck. He looked at me and said, “She’s ok. She’s small, but she’s healthy.” He smiled and then left the room. After what finally seemed like hours (which in reality was probably just minutes), they brought Jordan over to me to hold. I felt like I was holding a baby made of fine china.

Over the next few weeks, everything that I thought I knew about being a mom was challenged by this adorable little bundle. I felt like a new mom, only worse, because I felt like I should have just known what to do for her in every situation. As time went on, Jordan never met even one of her milestones as a baby “on time”. It took her months to hold up her head, more months after that before she could sit up (propped up), more months still to crawl. Finally Jordan was one year old. I felt like we reached such a milestone with her. Her first year had been marked with multiple doctor’s visits, tests at the hospitals, and a few overnight visits at the hospital. I remember looking at her on her birthday and thinking that this next year was going to be much, much better.

You know that part in a movie when people say, “What could go wrong?” Yea, that was the equivalent of what happened during Jordan’s second year.

One day when Jordan was 16 months old while holding on to my index fingers, she took her first step. I was standing behind her. She took a step with her right foot and then she tried to take a step with her left foot. Her left foot didn’t lift off of the ground. Instead the top of the foot dragged along the floor. It dragged the “length” of the top of her foot including to her toes. Then it came flopping down on the floor. At first, I thought this was just her getting her “land legs”, but over and over again, she repeated this type of walking; step, flop, step, flop. At her next doctor’s appointment I mentioned it to the doctor. I helped Jordan show him how she walked. I saw that look again that I saw the evening Jordan was born.

After an MRI and an appointment with a pediatric neurologist Jordan was diagnosed with periventricular leukomalacia. It is commonly called PVL, which is a branch in the cerebral palsy tree. At the time of the diagnosis I learned that 75% of premature babies born with it do not live. I also learned that this particular brain disorder has a very short “window” of time in which it can happen. It can happen right before delivery, during delivery, or right after. I will probably never know when Jordan developed this.

Almost immediately Jordan was put in physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. Jordan’s left side was extremely weak. If she had a toy on her left side and she wanted it, she would reach around with her right hand to take it. Her speech was mostly grunts. She couldn’t seem to control her tongue and her mouth very much. We all learned sign language in order to communicate with her. There was a lot of food that she couldn’t eat like most 1-2 year-olds could.

Finally, her second birthday came around. I did NOT even think anything about what the next year would bring; I just enjoyed celebrating her life. During that year, Jordan eventually graduated from occupational therapy and speech. (Her speech was not so much a graduation as it was that other children needed the speech more than her.) Then the time came when Jordan graduated from physical therapy. It was a time of celebration and sadness. Jordan’s physical therapist was Miss Dawn. In the past year and half Dawn became a part of our family. She was so encouraging and positive and was a rock during a hard time.

Upon graduation, it was as if Jordan just took off. Much like a child who has the training wheels removed. She was NOT afraid to take flight! She has always been very active and full of energy. Fearless is a word that I used to describe Jordan for years. If she falls down, she doesn’t let that stop her. She just keeps going. It’s actually very inspiring.

Fast forward to the present- Jordan is 11 years old. She is currently in gymnastics on her first competitive team. Her coaches say that her strongest side is her left side. One coach calls her “Muscles” and another coach says that Jordan has more strength than most athletes that he’s worked with. So, why is this? Is it because Jordan had all that therapy and Miss Dawn worked her so hard in the “therapy gym”? Is it because of her incredibly talented coaches who know exactly how to train an athlete? Perhaps it’s just Jordan; she’s just that strong of a person. I chuckle at the last sentence. As Jordan leans on my shoulder as I type this (reading along because it’s “interesting Mom”), we know why her body has been healed like this.

This is the God we serve. He takes all sorts of “impossible” situations and delights in turning them around. He is the reason that Jordan does gymnastics. He put that desire in her. He has healed such a broken body and we delight ourselves in His healing.

So, as I see where the coaches have placed Jordan for the next season, I couldn’t help but marvel at how awesome my God is! Only He can take a small infant that started out the way Jordan did and heal her to be the wonderful, young girl that she is today.

How great is our God? I answer that question with Scripture. Our God “is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” (Ephesians 3:20, NLT)IMG_6481

Live, laugh, & love

Jan19

So, I’m sitting in the living room and one of my “twins”, Naomi, came up to me and said, “Mom, I have a question.” I looked up at her with raised eyebrows. “Do you and Dad have a will made up in case you die?” The room that was just bustling with laughter grew immediately silent. My eyes blinked at her as she continued, “Because I want to get your art supplies!” Then she goes on to say that she really doesn’t want the house because it’s too big and not “her”. Plus she already knows what kind of house she wants when she grows up and it’s a big log cabin and she already has the inside planned out  and decorated. Then that turned into a discussion between her and the other ”twin”, Koti. (They are in no way twins; however, they are very close in age) The older “twin”, Koti, says, “Hey, we could run a business out of the house!” Naomi says, “Yea!” During the next few minutes I listened as they went back and forth with business ideas to turn the house into. I heard what mom & dad’s room was going to be since we weren’t using it anymore. I listened as they were going to turn it into a diner and a motel. And I just listened as they explained where they were going to set up the tables for people to eat at, or the rooms that would be decorated for people to stay in. Naomi even had the grand idea that the roof should be ripped off and another floor added on! Then as Naomi is leaving the living room she yells out, “Oh yea, and I call dibs on the food in the house!” That lead to another discussion of age and “rank” on who should get what and even got the newly turned 16-year old to chime in.

I sit here chuckling as I write this, because my kids are just great! To some it may seem like my kids either can’t wait for mom and dad to kick the bucket, or that they just don’t really love us, they just love the stuff that we will ultimately leave behind. But, as Christians, our family knows what happens to us when we die. We know where we are going and that we can’t take any of our “stuff” with us. Jesus said, “Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity.”

Live, laugh, and love; life’s too short.

Thanksgiving

Jan8

SIDE NOTE- I wrote this the day before Thanksgiving this past year and intended for it to be made public then. Since that didn’t happen, I thought I would still post it. I hope you enjoy it!

At this time of year, it’s “easy” to start listing all the people and things that we are thankful for.  Christians say that you need to have an attitude of gratitude. While that is true and it has a catchy ring to it, having an attitude of gratitude is sometimes a hard thing to have.

Three years ago this month our family packed up from Fairview, Montana and moved to Battle Creek, Michigan. Why? The simple answer is God. The complex answer is…God. Let me start at some sort of a beginning.

On June 20, 2012 my mom, Dorothy Marie Roberts, passed from this earthly life into the heavenly life. She lived in Lansing, Michigan and I was in Fairview. One month later on July 20, I was back in Lansing for my parents’ memorial service. Both of my parents were cremated when they passed so that once both had gone they would be buried together with my dad’s veteran honors for 20 years in the USAF. While in Lansing, I felt an overwhelming peace with everything that was going on. Don’t get me wrong, I missed my mom and losing her “reopened” the grief wound of losing my dad, William James Roberts, in 2009, but somehow, I felt a peace and a comfort that is beyond words. I felt as if I was caught up on a cloud but my feet were firmly planted on the earth. I felt like a sponge, in that I was absorbing everything around me that was happening, and being said. For me, peace was like an emotion- there was calmness within me, but it was much greater than just being calm. That peace and that comfort can only come from one place- God.

On the way back to Montana I noticed an uneasiness and irritability that wasn’t just with me, but it seemed to consume our whole entire vehicle and everyone in it. The long two day drive (while it was still only a two day drive) under those circumstances was even longer, or so it seemed. I did much praying during this time. I sang praise songs in my head while there was turmoil all around me. Figuring the environment was because of everything that went on during our visit and then the long drive back, I thought we would get back to “normal” in a day or two after being home. Wrong! Oh was I so wrong. Days later our family was still at odds and grumpy. This is not typical of our family- we all have our moments, but we are not an angry, grumpy kind of family. My husband, Eric, came up to me and said, “We need to talk.” I agreed, however in my mood, I really didn’t want to, but I followed him back into the house-at a much slower pace. Think of a child being sent to the principal’s office.

We went into our office and he sat at his desk and me at mine. He asked me what I thought God was telling us about where we were supposed to move. Up until this moment, Eric and I believed that we were being called to move about 30 miles away into Williston, North Dakota. I answered Eric by telling him about the unbelievable peace that I had in Michigan. I told him that I took it as a gift from God because of having to bury my parents and that I had closure. I ended the conversation by saying that I wanted to live wherever God wanted us to go. I even remember saying, “If God wants us to sell everything and move to a third world country with no plumbing or electricity (gulp), then I will do it. It’ll be hard, but I will do it because I know that He will go before us and it will be all right.” After my long-winded answer to Eric, he said, “Ok. Well I came in here to look at houses and I was praying about where God wanted us, this is where I was led.” He turned his laptop around that was on his desk and when he did, the screen showed a website of rental property in Battle Creek (and surrounding areas) in Michigan.

As Eric and I continued to talk and pray over the next couple of weeks, I dared to not even hope that God was calling us to Michigan.  See, I was born at Wurtsmith Air Force Base in northern Michigan. I grew up in Oscoda, Michigan, and graduated from Oscoda High School. I am a Michigander through and through. But, when Eric and I got married, I left Michigan in my rearview mirror and wasn’t sure that I would live there again. But, when God calls you somewhere, you go-period. We had confirmation that God was calling us to Michigan. The next few months were a whirlwind of activity. Moving back to Michigan changed many things about our upcoming move. What would have been many, multiple 30-ish minute trips to Williston, North Dakota, was now a two day drive. You know something, it’s funny. God closed every single door in Williston. There was no rhyme, nor reason, except God. But, the door that He opened in Battle Creek is the door that stayed open. You want to know something else? The house that God opened the door for us to buy is the house that was the first house Eric looked at when he was directed by God to look at houses in this area just over 3 years ago and it was also the same house that was on the screen of his laptop when he turned it to show me that day in our office. I wish I could say that this is a movie and that we all lived happily ever after as the screen fades to black and an upbeat, happy song plays on the screen as the credits roll. Wrong again. Fast forward 3 years-

We are still remodeling the house-it is/was a HUGE fixer-upper.  The house is not the only thing that has been under “renovation” since the move. Eric and I are not the same people we were 3 years ago when we moved here. God has taken us through many trials and grown us in ways we hadn’t experienced before.

My husband is a contractor by trade and I believe truly gifted by God to do what he does. You can see some of his work on our website www.inhishandsrc.com. So, buying a house that needed such an overhaul was not really such a crazy idea to us. We knew what we were getting ourselves into (or at least we thought we did). But, little by little, rooms are getting done and I would say our house is probably close to 70% done. Of course, if you asked “Eric the contractor”, he would probably give a much different number. While Eric and I embarked on this journey that God had for us with zeal (much like that of the apostle Peter) 3 years ago, we have lost hope a number of times over the years. God moved us from family and friends and we closed a successful construction business to go where God wanted us to go. When we opened up a business here, we both thought it would take a little while, but that eventually we would be booking future customers before no time. Again, we were wrong. We had customers here and there. But mostly our “job” was working on the house. We learned to budget in a completely new way, since our “old” way of budgeting no longer worked without income (enter your chuckles here). I won’t go into all the details, but one thing I can say, when you name your business ‘In His Hands Remodeling and Construction”  and you use the Scripture reference of Psalm 66:9 “Our lives are in His hands”, God will take you through some stuff. So while I could list all the stuff that has been trying in the past few years, I do know that things could always be worse. To say “money is tight” is an understatement. But, we have our family, we have our health, we have a roof over our head, and we have food in the fridge and cupboards. We may be poor in the eyes of the world, but in the eyes of God we are rich. And we are only rich because of Him, not because of anything that we’ve done.

Our family has learned a new definition to the word “sacrifice”. Lately I have been shown something from God about a well-known verse. This is how I have been reflecting on this Scripture lately. I’ll close with that. “For God loved the world so much, that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have ever-lasting life.” John 3:16

Happy Thanksgiving!