If anyone really paid attention to the timeline of my blogs, they would see a large gap in time. First of all, I only have six blogs up and I started this website at the very end of 2015. If you look closer, you will see that I put out four blogs in 2016, one in 2017, and one in 2024. Somehow, I still have a small group of subscribers to this site– I’m thinking that they completely forgot they subscribed to my once-in-a-blue-moon blog! (laughing, but serious)

This morning, I was looking over past notes and I came across one that I just felt like now was the time to write about it.

A little backstory first…

I always loved writing, and one of the things I wanted to do when I grew up was to be a writer. Many years down the road, in August of 2011, I pulled out my laptop and started writing. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write, I just felt inspiration striking and went with it. That writing session developed over time into “Love Waits: Book One” in the Fruit of the Spirit Series. It took me three years to write “Love Waits”, not because I am that slow, but because I had so many things within me to overcome – insecurity, overwhelmingness, unworthiness – just to name a few. When I realized that God was calling me to write a book, I froze. Seriously – deer in the headlights and hit with a car froze. I had many breaks from writing over the course of those three years because of all the emotions going on in me. Then when I finally accepted that I was writing a book, God gave me a dream. When I woke up from that dream, I knew the dream was going to be another book and also realized it was a series. (Again, deer in the headlights freeze moment.) I just couldn’t understand why God would want me of all people on this earth – me – to write this book series. I grappled with this for quite a long time. I was sure I would “miss” my opportunity and God would definitely give this calling to someone else.

Yet, here I am, 14 years later writing this blog now.

In 2015 “Love Waits” was published. It was not a good experience for me overall. After everything that I had been through and had overcome to finally be at a point where I was a published author and accepted that I was a published author, I didn’t have much to show for it in the end. I was pretty much left high and dry by the publishing company. I did every single thing that they told me to do to “be successful”. In the end, I sold more books than they did and their biggest customer was me, which is probably why I still have about 30 copies of the original “Love Waits” in my office on a book shelf.

In January of 2017, I terminated my contract with them. I had a huge, gaping wound inside of me. My love for writing was barely on life support. I felt like I let everyone who loved me down – my husband, our children, friends – but most importantly I felt that I let God down. I was not successful, I was a failure and I was sure that was how God saw it, because that was the truth after all, right?

So, this morning this is what I came across in my notes from December 23, 2021:

“Today I realized that there was still a wound in me from _____ _____. I also realized that I needed to forgive them again. From a worldly perspective it looks like _____ and _____ _____ got away with everything that they did to so, so, so many people, with nothing more than a slap on their hands.

“As the day rolled into evening, I found myself truly reflecting and seeking the Lord about all of this. A thought came to me – perhaps it was the Lord. The thought was, “If they’re not in prison, then why should you be?” I’ve thought about that quite a bit. I have allowed the experience with _____ _____ to practically stop me from writing. Why?

“Tonight, as I thought more on this, it’s as if I heard God say, “Write like the wind.” I thought about what that means. I think most people would take that statement to mean to write feverishly, with reckless abandon – no limits. But the wind is not that – the wind cannot do whatever it wants, when it wants. It doesn’t have a brain or freewill. The wind can only do what the Creator tells it to do.

“If I apply that understanding to the statement I heard – then I need to write as the Lord says. Perhaps it will look fast, or furious, but perhaps it will look calm and still. Either way, I am to be obedient to God with writing.

“He makes the wind His messengers…” Psalm 104:4 NASB”

For the record, no, I don’t have a grudge against my previous publishing company. I don’t find them to be very honorable, but that’s going to ultimately be between each of them and God. I am just one of many people that they treated that way.

So, why am I writing this? Perhaps for a couple reasons. One, I want to encourage anyone who has felt like their passion to do something has waned or like me, felt like it’s been on life support. Please don’t follow my example and take 14 years to get to the point where you are fully ready to live out your calling. Please, don’t put yourself in prison and don’t let others put you in prison.

Two – I’m writing this for myself. Creative people can be quite sensitive to be honest. However, they can also be very resilient. I needed to be real and put this out there for anyone who’s been put to shame or drug over the coals with their giftings. I am one of those “anyone”.

Let me leave you with this verse that I have reflected on a lot over the past 14 years with my calling. Matthew 15:14-16, these are the words of Jesus: “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.”